Then it sets in. You are responsible for not only yourself, but for someone (or multiple ones) that solely relies on you to care for them. That’s a big moment when that realization finally sinks in. Most people accept it and thrive.I was not one of those people. I had postpartum depression and didn’t even see it until it was over.
Just. Too. Much.
As I look back on those days, I realize how much of a dark place I was in. Of course while it was happening, I just brushed it off as “being hormonal” or “being exhausted” or “being stressed”. Now I see that it was more than that. When I finally came out of that darkness, I could finally see clearly. I cried everyday, multiple times a day. It wasn’t for any particular reason sometimes other than feeling like a complete failure or like I just wasn’t good enough. I had so much help from my husband, mom, sisters, etc and yet I still felt like I was drowning. And that made me feel even worse.
It all seems like a blur now, but when I finally “snapped out of it” as I refer to it, it felt like I could finally breathe again. I didn’t feel this constant dread anymore and it was truly amazing to me that I didn’t realize it before.
Now that I have a third little one, I’m more on the anxiety end of the spectrum. I have moments during my day where I don’t know what else to do but cry. I sometimes wake up just thinking about how I’m going to make it through until bedtime. I don’t like it, but that is anxiety. A feeling of dread that just eats away at you constantly, that you just can’t shake.
To my husband, family and friends, I am truly blessed to have you and all of the help that I receive. Postpartum depression or anxiety is not something that you can blame on anyone or anything. It just is. But you can make sure to speak up if you are feeling this way, get help when you need it, and just know that
You are not alone.
You can do this.